Dont know weather or not every one suffers from this but i know i do and i have all my life.Some people said i was Nocternal some said i had a sleeping disorder me I think its my own punishment.See most people can lay their head down on a nice soft pillow and within a few minutes there dreaming of what ever.See me i lay my head down on a nice soft pillow and then unleash a unrelenting assault of pain and misery on myself.Every night good or bad day i relive mistakes Ive made in my life i relive situations over and over and over again.And some are the smallest things in the world like messing up on the field and the couches screaming at me what the fuck is wrong with me why did i miss that block where was my head during that play.I remember getting my ass wore out by my dad when i would do shit to piss him off like disobeying him or mouthing off man could he dish out a ass whooping.I relive the day i came in from out side and found him laying on the kitchen floor his socks were still in his hands.i recall every stupid ass mistake i have ever made.I remember every hurtful ass thing i said and did to my mom.I remember getting so mad at her for going out to the bars and leaving me at home i remember throwing fits putting my fists threw walls because i just didnt want to be stuck home alone with myself.I never listened t her wish i had id be alot better man for it if i had.can you recall the defining moment that put your life in a downward spiral or the moment that would have made your life a better one i can i remember it like it was yesterday.It was the day that i stopped thinking that being able to drive a car was a right and not a prevlige it was when i took off for the first time and never looked back never stopped to think if what i was doing was fucking stupid all those wasted hours of driving getting tickets meeting the worthless ass people that were so called friends they didnt give a shit about me or getting me in trouble and you wanna know something neither did i.so many times i should have just stayed home never went out never fixed my cars to where they ran again never taking for granted what i never should have had .It all plays back everything.I still can think of every hurtful word ive said to every person ive ever come across in my life.And remember every hurtful thing done to me.I recall sometimes when i was back in shirland the first day back in school i remember a kid coming up to me and talling me they were glade my dad had died that summer i was 8 yrs old maybe 9 when i was told that.I remember the hateful shit they called me cause yeah i was a heavy kid you ever been spit on i have.I also remember home life not to grand it was good when dad was alive mom was happy.We didnt have the time to get on one anothers nerves.i also remember nights where shed come home from the bar and we would talk for hours and hours about anything everything sometimes the past sometimes just bullshit.i also remember the hate filled nights to where her meanness came out and i was told i should have never been born the nights where i wasnt a son but a burden that i ruined her life and i should have died and not dad sometimes think she was right when the thoughts get really bad and they just keep rolling in one after the other.I to tell you the truth I have tried to take my own life more times then i can count on my hands.Ive drank The works delimer,Ive drank a few bottles of liquir to many and drove my cars into shit didnt even have to be drunk to do that most times ive ran redlights stop signs plowed into shit not caring.i was even hammering back speed pills for a long time i was almost to a bottle a day.Ive over medicated my self on a few different pills.Ive done prolly every type of self destructive drug out there besides crack and heroine just to make some of the pain go away just for a few minutes but it never did.But the fucked up thing I cant ever recall a time in my life where I was happy.yeah i can smile and laugh and joke with the best of them but it never means anything.Even the greatest days of my life ended in painful nights.All my relationships have been empty.And yeah i was a mean ass bastard to most of them even the ones that I really do think loved me from the start I couldnt let that hate go and it would catch up to them eventually and i would get jealous or go off half cocked and then bad shit would happen and i would be standing there alone again wondering what a fucking moron i am.Or in a few cases id be in a cell looking out through steel bars.is there ever a moment you thought about going back in time and kicking the shit outta yourself and telling yourself wtf is wrong with you wtf are you doing to people why are you such an asshole.I do alot.But I really do think that if i could go back and tell myself anything id tell myself to have spent more time listening to my mother doing right by her and done my best to take care of her when she needed me the most.i tried so hard at the apartment to take care of her weeks went by that she didnt even know my name and that i was trying to kill her with her meds and i got so angry at her i would yell at her it didnt do her any good i know that that it didnt do me any good either.in the end i couldnt do it anymore in the end she went to a Nursing home.And i left town and left her to rot in those shit holes that she was deathly terrified of she worked in those places most of her life and the day i signed those papers is the day my mom looked at me and i knew i had just turned my back on the only person that was ever in my corner.The look in her eyes is a look that i will never forget even when she said i should be dead instead of my dad.That I ruined her whole life by being born could never have perpared me for the look she gave me that day.She passed away a few years later I didnt get to have any last minutes with her i wasnt there for her when she needed me the most again.I was to busy in my own bullshit shame of a life with some bitch girl that didnt even care about me.i wish i would have stayed.i wish i would have just choose to be homeless again that way i could have visited her came to see her been there in the last few moments.Wish i hadnt went outside to play that day if only id had stayed inside could i have helped my dad too.Well hopefully this will shed some light on me why i am the way i am some of this will be new to friends and my family havent really ever spoken of this stuff to any one before least not anyone that didnt have a phd or DR in there name lol.All I got left as a man is my name and a life that should have been filled with Apologies instead regrets.
